Dealing with upset people

"I'm not upset, I'm MAD!"

Parenting truly is the most powerful leadership development programme.

Yesterday, I picked my daughter Rose up from school and we had the best afternoon swimming, baking cookies and watching an episode of Paw Patrol together.

When my wife Ellie returns home, she asks Rose: "How was your book fair today?"

And Rose goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of moments. She's screaming in the corner, hyperventilating and writhing in agony.

Ellie and I look at each other and mouth: "What the...!?"

"Wow Rose," I say, kneeling down beside her.

"That really upset you."

"I'm not upset!" she blasts, "I'm MAAAAAD!"

Emotions running high at work

Have you experienced more upset people in your work recently?

If so, you're not alone.

I've been researching this recently for a chapter called "The Conflict Question" for my upcoming book. I've discovered that workplace conflict has been rising in recent years. It's hardly surprising the toxic cocktail of social media, the lingering effect of COVID anger, global turmoil and worries about job losses and AI.

All of which begs the question: How do we respond when people are upset?

Connect before you correct

Many of us make a big mistake when dealing with upset people. Our default reaction is to try to fix the problem.

"Here, I can help! Oh, it's no problem, don't be upset..."

But often this makes the upset person get even more upset.

That's because upset people don't want you to fix them; they want you to empathise with them. Minimising the problem makes them feel like you don't care or understand them.

So, how do we empathise? This can sound like:

• Hey Paul, this has really upset you hey?
• Yeah, I get it... I would feel so mad if that happened to me.
• You really didn't want [blah] to happen.

How to respond to upset people - a guide

As a subscriber, I wanted to share something I created for myself a few years ago.

It's a one-page document called How to Respond When Somebody is Upset. I designed it so I could print it out and stick it on the wall or a fridge.

If you'd like a copy, simply email me what you find most challenging about dealing with upset people. I'll then share the Guide once my designer has finished making it look a bit nicer!

Ngā mihi,
Paul