Dealing with difficult people

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People are the worst sometimes

"What do you do when people are lying or being obstructive?"

This question came up in a recent coaching session and it got me thinking.

For context, a colleague had been hogging all the airtime in a recent meeting. He would get defensive every time somebody challenged his thinking. Several times he spoke over my client and explained things as if speaking to a small child.

Let's assume the best of this person. Perhaps their behaviour is a coping response in times of stress.

And make no mistake - people are feeling the pressure right now. The threat of job losses lingers large for many people. They're lonely, worried and scared. Recently I wrote about how 1 in 2 of us are at a high-risk of burnout.

But still. We can empathise with that sort of behaviour, but that doesn't make it right.

What kind of difficult?

I love the idea that we should "Speak as though we're right and listen as though we're wrong." (The internet can't decide who came up with that idea - perhaps Collier Brown or Adam Grant).

The coaching session got me thinking: how can we expand that out? And how might it help? Here's what I came up with.

Who are you being?

Tentative observers are like pliable clay.

Soft and malleable, they're easily swayed. They lack conviction.

I've been this person. And sometimes it's a smart strategy.

I often held my tongue early in my career, even when the ways of working around me made no sense. I could have spoken out. But the thing is: I didn't know my own mind well enough back then. As a tentative observer, I lacked conviction.

Insecure Doubters are like shifting sand.

Unstable and uncertain, they're easily influenced and lack a solid foundation.
They don't know what's right... only that everybody else is wrong. They speak and listen like everybody is wrong, including themselves.

Fragile dominators are like brittle steel.

Phwa, I struggle to work with fragile dominators.

Their agression and defensiveness make me question myself - turning me into an Insecure Doubter.

Ideally, we'd be like bamboo - a confident learner.

Firm and assertive, yet flexible and open to growth, bending with the wind to avoid breaking.

Ideally, we'd be a confident learner. We speak as though we're right but listen as though we're wrong.

Balancing telling with asking

It's easy to point the finger when we face a Fragile Dominator or Insecure Doubter.

But how are you showing up?

Are you speaking like you're right and listening like you're wrong?

Leading with questions means we show up with curiosity and know that the rest will sort itself out.

When we're able to balance telling with asking, we create space for a bigger conversation. And that's how most change happens... one conversation at a time.

Ngā mihi,

Paul