Are you hearing without listening?

People hearing without listening

Last weekend we dived into a major house clear out. I even managed to clear the kids' toys off my record player.

Before long, the haunting melody of Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence was washing over me:

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

Paul Simon was writing in 1964 but his words remain as true as ever.

One of the challenges of leading change is cutting through the noise.

We're awash with information. The pace of organisational change is relentless. The noise dial is permanently set to 11.

74% of all employees report being more effective when they feel heard, according to this 2021 study by UKG. However, 1 in 3 employees would rather quit than voice their concerns.

To combat this, our natural tendency is to talk louder and hustle harder. But maybe we need to listen more to Paul Simon.

I believe the single most powerful strategic move we can make as leaders is to stop talking at people and start talking with them.

If we're always telling people what to do, then our decisions will be one-dimensional, our success will rely on individuals, and we'll burn out from the stress of trying to be the hero.

We're so desperate to be heard that we're not hearing others. It's a vicious cycle. But you have dozens of chances to interrupt that cycle every week.

How comfortable are you with silence?

A bundle of post-it notes sits on my desk from a recent facilitation training workshop. I had invited people to write down their challenges with leading by facilitation.

"I find it hard to sit in silence" says the post-it note on top.

Does that sound like you too? That's a common affliction, particularly in Western cultures.

A study by Koudenburg, Postmes, and Gordijn found that English speakers typically become uncomfortable with silence after just 4 seconds. Yes, you read that correctly - four seconds! But Japanese speakers are comfortable with a silence lasting twice that long.

So we're uncomfortable with silence. So what?

As Kate Kaplan from the Nielson Norman Group explains: "Being heard is one of the deepest human needs, across all cultures. And being heard requires silence."

My hack for sitting in silence

In my last Leading by Facilitation Taster Session, I shared my hack for embracing silence. I call it Pose | Pause | Pick 'n' | Mix.

Pose: Ask a question (preferably an open-ended one, with an intention of curiosity).

Pause: Count to 10 (in your head).

Seriously - trust me - this is the most important part. You'll be amazed at how often somebody jumps in at number 8 or 9.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a client at Sport Bay of Plenty who had attended one of my virtual facilitation training workshops back in the COVID lockdowns. "That was such a good workshop series," she gushed. "We still use so much of that now."

"Oh, what's stuck with you?" I asked. "Definitely the shut up thing" she laughed. (Turns out she was referring to the pause... counting to 10.)

Pick: If nobody responds, and you do want to hear from the group, you can then pick somebody to respond.

But this doesn't mean naming and shaming somebody: "Tim, why aren't you speaking up today? What do you think?"

Instead, invite a category of people to respond: "What do our management team think?" or "Can we hear from somebody who hasn't spoken so far today?"

'n' Mix: Invite other people to build on the first person's response.

After you hear from somebody, it's tempting to one-up their response. We all want to show how smart we are, but if we do that too often as a facilitator, we'll suppress the wisdom of the crowd.

Instead of fixing their response, mix it up: "Does anybody want to build on that?" or "What other thoughts have come up?" or "Who has a different perspective?"

Getting comfortable with silence is a key part of leading by facilitation. As Susan Scott says in Fierce Conversation: "Let silence do the heavy lifting."

Ngā mihi,

Paul

P.S. Want to go deeper? Check out my latest podcast guest appearance

I was recently down in Christchurch to MC a conference and squeezed in a podcast interview for the Seeds podcast with Steven Moe.

Steven dug deep into the experiences that have shaped my worldview on facilitative leadership.

The episode is a masterclass in great podcast hosting. Steven knows how to let silence do the heavy lifting. Have a listen here>